My Father’s 10th Death Anniversary, 28 Nov 2009

It seems so recent and I remember vividly that day I was at a friend’s church witnessing her baptism, it was at Paya Lebar Methodist Church and it was Bee Lian’s baptism.

At about 1pm I received a call from my aunty saying that my mum saw my dad fainted in the room with blood coming out of his nose. I quickly called for an ambulance and rushed to see my dad in a taxi with a few of my friends.

Upon arrival, I saw my dad lying sideway on the floor with dried blood on his moustache area. I touched his hand and it was cold, I wondered how long he had been in that position. Was it fated also that the residential line was faulty....? Do I actually believe in fate..? I don’t! But if the line had not been faulty, he could have been able to call and survived whatever he was suffering from...maybe....

The whole scenario of going to the crematorium and the events thereafter are still succinct in my memory. I remember I cried most when I was hugging his ashes with my brother driving, feeling very sorry and sad that my father had turned into ashes and what remained of him was kept in an urn so much smaller than him. What made it worse was that I knew that that was my last contact ‘with him’ because we were heading to Changi Ferry Terminal to take a ferry out to return his ashes to the sea. I felt very sorry and sympathetic that he had chosen to have it done this way. He stated it in his will.

And I dream of him there and then. The last time was about a week ago where in the dream I was seated with him in somewhere that seemed like a living room and he was telling me that he went for stage 4 and 5 chemotherapy, trying to convey to me that he had himself covered from more than serious cancer. He was wearing a navy blue polo-shirt, the one I remember he used to wear when he was alive and also his usual silver framed spectacles. In the dream he looked good.

Sometimes I wonder if it is because I miss him that I have been dreaming about him... or is it that he misses me and he comes to meet me in my dream.. but my sensibility, belief and conviction tell me the latter is not possible though sometimes I wish it is....so that I would not think that I have lost him completely and that occasionally I can still see and meet him in my dreams. However, I can only conclude that the dreams were because I miss him in my subconscious mind.

I knew he doted on me most among the three of us. And I had often wondered if he would have had been supportive of my venture to Cambodia and now India....

I think he would because he had always been very supportive of my endeavours, and that was inclusive of my choice to believe in Jesus. He was also very supportive of my desire to want to learn Taekwondo back then.

My only prayer is that the Lord would give him another chance to choose Him and that he would.